Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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