I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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