We're like a lot better than the average bears
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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