1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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