broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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