Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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