here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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