Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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