i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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