dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
