I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
