we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
