Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize