Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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