she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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