My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
