Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
