4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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