I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
