i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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