At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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