the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
