dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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