I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize