do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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