saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
