doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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