So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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