UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
