remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
