i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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