Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
