im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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