just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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