Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Every concussion has its silver lining
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
