She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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