Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
NoShamevember. You game?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
