Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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