somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
