halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
