I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
