Can i not drive my cunt home
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
