I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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