my phone needs a breathalizer
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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