Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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