it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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