I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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