i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
