I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
