I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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