Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
She has the best kind of daddy issues
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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