Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
