Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
