I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
