I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
