Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
